How Can I Ease The Pain?

Hi, Everyone.

Well, it’s Christmas Eve, and even after having bared my soul to y’all on yesterday, I don’t feel any better.

Right now, I’m listening to a song from one Lisa Fischer entitled “How Can I Ease The Pain?” And I must say that Miss Fischer picked a very apropos title for this song, especially considering how I’m feeling right about now.

And I would like for someone to give me a damn good explanation as to why I’ve been singing this one song by Vanessa Williams, with the following lyrics:

It’s hard to realize, we said our last goodbyes.

Where could the dream have gone to?

Now, I know that there’s no way that I can make you stay,

No matter how I want to.

We made some memories that my heart will always treasure.

Before you close the door, let’s make one more.

And then towards the end of this beautifully heartbreaking song, Ms. Williams makes a simple request:

Come to me, let me dream—this night means everything to me.

All I ask is for tonight—Baby, just hold me tight.

It’s such a sad song, but I’d be lying if I said that this is exactly how I feel right now. And yes, I’ve been singing it for the past two or three days. Heaven knows that I’ve done everything humanly possible to keep from dwelling on the hurt that still lingers. I’ve cleaned my room several times, I’ve rearranged my closet… hell, I’ve even dusted the living room and mopped the kitchen floor, but I still hurt. I think what bothers me the most is the truth, and I don’t know why. I mean, I’m glad that Ray had that much respect for me to tell me the truth (as ugly as it was), but a part of me still wishes that he lied to me. Maybe I’m still trying to make sense of the senses, but I think if Ray would’ve just told me a lie, I’d feel better. I know they say that the truth hurts, but they never specified the severity of the hurt.

Well, I do know this: Tomorrow is Christmas, and I’ll be with my crazy, zany family all day, so it’s all good. The only thing I want for Christmas is for the hurt to go away. If for no one but my family, I want to be in a good mood all day—I don’t even wanna hear what’s-his-name’s name mentioned!

Please say a prayer for me, y’all—I really need it.

Making Sense of the Senses

Hi, Everyone.

There’s a reason why I didn’t post a blog on Saturday or Sunday, and it has everything to do with what I experienced this weekend.

Oh, I trust that you all had a great weekend, but my weekend was rather bittersweet to say the least—and I’m being ultra-nice when I say that… trust me! I will say this, though: Considering t mood that I was in, I had a great time at the Sapp Elementary Hall of Fame. My Uncle Anthony did in fact accept the Hall of Fame Award on behalf of my Grampa Clark, and in doing so, he gave the most beautiful speech that he could ever give. I found that to be amazing, because after seemingly weeks of working on the perfect speech, Uncle Anthony chose to deviate from his script and speak from the heart. My Uncle Anthony did such a beautiful job in representing Grampa Clark, that he even went as far as using Grampa Clark’s legendary quote: “You betta know that’s right!”

And y’all should’ve seen how proud my Uncle Anthony felt to stand alongside Grampa Clark’s fellow Hall of Famers—he admitted that for a moment he felt like Grampa Clark… hahaha! It was just such a beautiful sight to behold.

Now, mind you, that was the sweet part—now I gotta give y’all the bitter part of my weekend, but I gotta warn y’all to brace yourselves because it’s not gonna be anything nice.

Well, I really hate to break the news to y’all, but Ray Hernandez and I are no longer an item! We went out this past Friday (he picked me up around 5pm), and I noticed that he was awfully quiet—even for him. In any event, he treated me to California Pizza Kitchen in Torrance, and right after we left, Ray just caught my hand and told me that he couldn’t lie to me anymore. When I asked him what he was talking about, he broke the news to me about a girl in his class named Naomi. He said that it started innocently enough, what with them both attending Cal State Long Beach and all; they were even study buddies on moe than one occasion. Well, anyway, Ray went on to tell me that a couple of months ago, he and Naomi shared a kiss. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t resist the fact that he was falling in love with this girl. Ray even pointed out that he tried his damnedest to be faithful to me, considering our long distance relationship, and he apologized for hurting me, but he said that I was such a sweet girl that he couldn’t lie to me.

Yes, I was shocked and appalled, to say the least, but I give Ray credit for telling me the ugly ass truth. My only regret is that I went out of my way to make those damn Christmas brownies for him, but perhaps being the better person, I told Ray that he could keep them and do whatever he wanted, so long as he gave me something in return—one last kiss. I know that doesn’t seem like a whole lot, but I explained to Ray that it would mean a whole lot to me if he just kissed me one last time. Well, Ray did so, and he apologized again for hurting me. He even offered to take me home, but I declined and chose to take the bus home.

I think I cried my eyes out this whole weekend. The only time I didn’t cry was during those four and a half hours at the Hall of Fame ceremony. If only for a little while, I was able to block out the pain, the hurt, and anger that I had within me, but once the ceremony was over, I was back to being sad all over again.

I really, really hate this feeling. I surely hope I’m able to have a truly Merry Christmas.

Until next time,

Natasha