Thank You So Much, Rust College!

Well, y’all—this is it!

First of all, I wish to point out that we have made it to Blog Post #700, and it’s quite apropos that this particular blog post would fall on my last day here in the South. In about two hours or so, I’ll be boarding a plane with my mom, dad, Cousin Becky, and Gramma Jewel, and we’ll all be heading back to Southern Cali. Y’all already know what this means to me—no more frequent flyer miles, no more college living, no more road trips to Memphis, and no more visits with my Great Aunt Reesie. It is officially over, and I am saddened by it.

Yesterday evening, I had one more get-together with Ruby, Azalea, Craig, and Theo, and we had a real good cryfest. All things considered, it’s hard to turn off four years of friendship! The five of us were all but joined at the hip, and we shared a lot of our time together. We had a lotta fun times, and we even had some not-so-fun times, but we got through them all together. Truth be told, y’all: Ruby, Azalea, Theo, and Craig are the very first best friends that I’ve ever had. They’re more than just my Rust College alum—they’re my family, and they always will be! So, suffice it to say that when we met up for one more round yesterday evening, a lot of tears were shed and a lot of hugs were given.

I told y’all that I’m fickle… and I’m also a big ol’ softie!

Well, I reckon I’d better close up this blog post and get ready to head to the Memphis Airport one mo’ ginn, but I just want to say that Mississippi and Tennessee were great hosts for this little ol’ city gal. I have learned so much in these past four years, and not just within the confines of Rust College either—I learned a lot about myself, and I learned a lot about life. I am definitely the richer for my Southern experience. It’s just a shame that it’s got to come to a close.

What I Want vs. What I Need

Hi, Everybody!

Let me preface today’s blog post by saying that I really do enjoy my time at the Culver City Children’s Center. Yes, I’ve got about a week and a half left before it all ends, but I am cherishing every moment.

Now, having said that, I gotta admit that a huge part of me is sad right now. You see, my cousins from Nashville are still out here, and I really wanted to hang out with them today; they said something about heading up to the Santa Monica Pier, and then hittin’ up the Pacific Coast Highway. Well, as y’all can see, the beach ain’t nowhere in my present, given that I’m with these little ones. Heaven knows that I love these little ones, but yet and still, I wanted so bad to call out today, just because I enjoy spending time with my cousins, and I also love the beach. Now, inasmuch as I wanted to play hooky, I knew that I needed to fulfill my commitment at the Culver City Children’s Center—and as y’all can see, as much as it hurt me to do so, I made the right decision.

And then, the cutest thing happened to me after quitting time today: While I was cleaning up the kiddies’ play area, one of the little ones—a fresh-faced towheaded little fella who had to be no more than four years old—approached me and said that I looked sad. Well, I told the little fella about my dilemma (such as it was), and I kid y’all not—this little guy gave me a great big hug and said, “Oh, don’t be sad, Miss Natasha. You still have your family with you, and I’m sure that they love you very much.”

Out of the mouth of babes, though!

Right then and there, a lightbulb went off in my head. That little fella gave me something to think about: Granted, I may not have been able to hang out with my cousins at the beach today, but I still have this weekend to hang out with them! Well, I thanked the little guy for his words of wisdom, and I let him know that he was very wise beyond his years. He simply smiled and gave me another big hug.

So, this is what I’ve learned: Yes, I have a commitment to fulfill, and I’m gonnafulfill that commitment no matter what. At the same time, Cousin Keith ‘nim don’t have to leave until this Sunday—they’re taking Cousin Erica back to Fisk University; she begins her junior year on this upcoming Monday. And besides which, Gramma Jewel is planning on treating all of us to dinner at Mr. Chuck’s restaurant this Friday evening.

Oh, I sure do hope that Mr. Chuck is ready for the whole lot of us. After all, we are notorious for shutting down restaurants… I’m just sayin’!

Well, now that I’ve cleared my soul and spoken my piece, I feel so much better than I did. I guess I just needed to express my frustrations, is all… and now I feel like a thirty-pound weight has been lifted off of me.

With that said, I’ll holla at y’all later.

 

 

Smooches,

Natasha

True Love Is So Beautiful!

Good Saturday Morning, Everybody!

I just want to state for the record: I absolutely LOVE my daddy—he is truly the best there is, the best there was, and the best there ever will be!

As you know, it was in yesterday’s blog post where I mentioned that my daddy would be treating me to a day of a personal celebration. He treated me to breakfast at IHOP, then he took me to the Griffith Park Observatory, where we just walked around and chilled… and yes, we event took a picture in front of the Hollywood sign—like, way out in front (hahaha)!

And then, my dad sat me down and told me something that I know I will forever cherish. Hugging me as tight as he could, he looked me straight in the eyes and said: “Now, Honey Bee—I know that you had your heart broken last week, and you probably feel alone in the world, but I want you to understand me clearly when I say this: As long as I’m your daddy, you’ll never be alone. Natasha Renee Stewart, you are a very special gal and an exciting little lady. Truth be told—long before you were born, I fell in love with you, and when you were finally born some twenty years ago, you had me sititn’ on top of the world, and I ain’t come back down yet.”

Daddy really made me blush in appreciation when he said that, but he wasn’t done.

“Now, I want you to know that you did right when you let Brotha Ray go—it takes a real strong, mature-minded woman to release a brotha. I know you feel like you shoulda done something else, but you did exactly what you needed to do. And trust me when I tell ya: Brotha Ray is gonna realize that he made a horrible mistake… matter of fact, he’s probably kickin’ his own ass right now, but when this new girl drops him like a bad habit, he’s gonna come runnin’ back to you. Oh, and one other thing: While your heart is healing, I want you to know that there is a guy out there looking for a sweetheart like you. Until he shows up, though, I’m gonna keep the keys to your heart. Speaking of which, I would be honored if you were to be my Valentine.”

My daddy is such a sweetie pie, isn’t he? And I don’t need to tell y’all how appreciative I was to hear him speak from his heart like he did. Heck, I probably don’t even need to mention that he made me cry—but they were tears of appreciation.

Well, I guess I’d better close up this blog post and see what the rest of this day will bring about, but until then, y’all take care, and have a good rest-of-the-day.

Hugs & Kisses,

Natasha

And Now, The Healing Begins!

Happy Friday, Everybody!

Wow! What a crazy week this has been, but guess what, y’all—I survived it!

I want you all to know that I’m feeling a lot better than I was, thanks in part to the bestest family in the world—mine! Now, with respect to all of you, I will not bore you with that same old song-and-dance about what happened to me last Friday, but I will say that the experience left me an emotional mess. And yes, I will even admit that I almost let it rule me, but I thank God for my peeps really pulling through for me this past Wednesday. And while it’s yet on my mind, I wanna once again give a shout-out to my girl Becky for her big heart. Y’all just don’t know—she really helped me through this thing called heartbreak. I mean, she was comforting, consoling, and she even threw in a joke or two, just to make me laugh.

What it all boils down to is this: I couldn’t really see the forest for the trees. I was so hung up on the fact that Ray and I had broken up, that I failed to pay attention to the fact that he did in fact tell the truth and admit that he was seeing another girl. I’ll give the brotha credit for telling me the truth—it’s comforting to know that he respected me that much; I guess I was more so hurt behind the fact that it really is over. I gotta admit, folks—I’m still not over Ray, but I reckon that’ll dissipate in due time. I will also say this, too: It doesn’t hurt me as much as it did earlier this week… and maybe this is my mature side acting up, but I really do hope that Ray is happy with this Naomi chick.

I really don’t know what permitted me to make that last statement, but I think what’s scarier is the fact that I mean it—I really don’t wish any ill will towards Naomi, much less Ray.

Well, y’all, I had better get going—I’ve got a breakfast date with the most magnificent man in the world, and he’s always loved me since before I made my debut on February 10, 1994… yes, I’m talking about my daddy dearest. He says it’s just gonna be he and I today, and he wants to spoil the hell out of me on account of I’m his precious little honeybee.

And you know something, I couldn’t ask for anything more.

Until tomorrow, y’all have a gooden!

Hugs & Kisses,

Natasha

A Great Christmas, In Spite Of...

Hi, Everyone.

I trust that everyone had a very Merry Christmas. All things considered, I too had a great Christmas, thanks to an understanding family. However, I can’t deny that my heart still hurts from the recent events of last Friday. I really thought I’d be over this ugly feeling, but the truth of the matter is that I’m still not over Ray. I’m so confused—I mean, I set him free and told him to go ahead with this Naomi chick, but yet and still, I have deep feelings for him. After all, he was my first true boyfriend.

And Lord in Heaven knows that I did my damnedest not to think about Ray at all, but to no avail. Everytime I took my mind off of what happened to me last Friday, I was given an ugly reminder of what happened. And I gotta be honest with y’all: It got so bad that I found myself being jealous of my mom and dad, my aunts and uncles, and even Cousin Keith & Cousin Jade. And hell, even Gramma Jewel and Mr. Hawkins didn’t help matters any, sitting next to each other, just laughin’ and shit!

I was so upset that I ran into the bathroom and slammed the door rather aggressively.

I really wanted to be left alone, but I guess God had other plans on account of Becky came in to check on me. All I wanted to do was sit on the edge of the bathtub and weep to myself—I swear that I wasn’t gonna do anything drastic! Well, anyway, Becky sat next to me and just hugged me. Without even saying a word to me, she let me know that it was okay for me to have a good cry on her shoulder. I tell y’all, I really felt a helluva lot better after that. Whether she knew what I was going through or not, I was very grateful that she gave was there for me.

Maybe about forty-five minutes later, I came out and apologized to my family for how I was acting. I let them know the ugly truth behind my attitude, leaving out no detail. And for those of you reading this, I apologize to you as well. Y’all know that I’m really not a bitter person, and believe me when I tell you: I freakin’ hate this feeling. I feel like I’ve lost my joy—that certain spark of life, that certain je ne sais quoi that makes me Natasha Renee Stewart. Well, needless to say, the greatest Christmas present I received this year was that of an understanding and loving family; not only did they forgive me, but they also let me know that they were all there for me. They also warned me about the dangers of bottling up my feelings.

So, in sum, I had a great Christmas with my family yesterday, but yet and still, I’m not over Ray…

How Can I Ease The Pain?

Hi, Everyone.

Well, it’s Christmas Eve, and even after having bared my soul to y’all on yesterday, I don’t feel any better.

Right now, I’m listening to a song from one Lisa Fischer entitled “How Can I Ease The Pain?” And I must say that Miss Fischer picked a very apropos title for this song, especially considering how I’m feeling right about now.

And I would like for someone to give me a damn good explanation as to why I’ve been singing this one song by Vanessa Williams, with the following lyrics:

It’s hard to realize, we said our last goodbyes.

Where could the dream have gone to?

Now, I know that there’s no way that I can make you stay,

No matter how I want to.

We made some memories that my heart will always treasure.

Before you close the door, let’s make one more.

And then towards the end of this beautifully heartbreaking song, Ms. Williams makes a simple request:

Come to me, let me dream—this night means everything to me.

All I ask is for tonight—Baby, just hold me tight.

It’s such a sad song, but I’d be lying if I said that this is exactly how I feel right now. And yes, I’ve been singing it for the past two or three days. Heaven knows that I’ve done everything humanly possible to keep from dwelling on the hurt that still lingers. I’ve cleaned my room several times, I’ve rearranged my closet… hell, I’ve even dusted the living room and mopped the kitchen floor, but I still hurt. I think what bothers me the most is the truth, and I don’t know why. I mean, I’m glad that Ray had that much respect for me to tell me the truth (as ugly as it was), but a part of me still wishes that he lied to me. Maybe I’m still trying to make sense of the senses, but I think if Ray would’ve just told me a lie, I’d feel better. I know they say that the truth hurts, but they never specified the severity of the hurt.

Well, I do know this: Tomorrow is Christmas, and I’ll be with my crazy, zany family all day, so it’s all good. The only thing I want for Christmas is for the hurt to go away. If for no one but my family, I want to be in a good mood all day—I don’t even wanna hear what’s-his-name’s name mentioned!

Please say a prayer for me, y’all—I really need it.

Making Sense of the Senses

Hi, Everyone.

There’s a reason why I didn’t post a blog on Saturday or Sunday, and it has everything to do with what I experienced this weekend.

Oh, I trust that you all had a great weekend, but my weekend was rather bittersweet to say the least—and I’m being ultra-nice when I say that… trust me! I will say this, though: Considering t mood that I was in, I had a great time at the Sapp Elementary Hall of Fame. My Uncle Anthony did in fact accept the Hall of Fame Award on behalf of my Grampa Clark, and in doing so, he gave the most beautiful speech that he could ever give. I found that to be amazing, because after seemingly weeks of working on the perfect speech, Uncle Anthony chose to deviate from his script and speak from the heart. My Uncle Anthony did such a beautiful job in representing Grampa Clark, that he even went as far as using Grampa Clark’s legendary quote: “You betta know that’s right!”

And y’all should’ve seen how proud my Uncle Anthony felt to stand alongside Grampa Clark’s fellow Hall of Famers—he admitted that for a moment he felt like Grampa Clark… hahaha! It was just such a beautiful sight to behold.

Now, mind you, that was the sweet part—now I gotta give y’all the bitter part of my weekend, but I gotta warn y’all to brace yourselves because it’s not gonna be anything nice.

Well, I really hate to break the news to y’all, but Ray Hernandez and I are no longer an item! We went out this past Friday (he picked me up around 5pm), and I noticed that he was awfully quiet—even for him. In any event, he treated me to California Pizza Kitchen in Torrance, and right after we left, Ray just caught my hand and told me that he couldn’t lie to me anymore. When I asked him what he was talking about, he broke the news to me about a girl in his class named Naomi. He said that it started innocently enough, what with them both attending Cal State Long Beach and all; they were even study buddies on moe than one occasion. Well, anyway, Ray went on to tell me that a couple of months ago, he and Naomi shared a kiss. He knew it was wrong, but he couldn’t resist the fact that he was falling in love with this girl. Ray even pointed out that he tried his damnedest to be faithful to me, considering our long distance relationship, and he apologized for hurting me, but he said that I was such a sweet girl that he couldn’t lie to me.

Yes, I was shocked and appalled, to say the least, but I give Ray credit for telling me the ugly ass truth. My only regret is that I went out of my way to make those damn Christmas brownies for him, but perhaps being the better person, I told Ray that he could keep them and do whatever he wanted, so long as he gave me something in return—one last kiss. I know that doesn’t seem like a whole lot, but I explained to Ray that it would mean a whole lot to me if he just kissed me one last time. Well, Ray did so, and he apologized again for hurting me. He even offered to take me home, but I declined and chose to take the bus home.

I think I cried my eyes out this whole weekend. The only time I didn’t cry was during those four and a half hours at the Hall of Fame ceremony. If only for a little while, I was able to block out the pain, the hurt, and anger that I had within me, but once the ceremony was over, I was back to being sad all over again.

I really, really hate this feeling. I surely hope I’m able to have a truly Merry Christmas.

Until next time,

Natasha